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The best jokes and joke writers!

Concerned Husband

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Close Your Eyes

Q: Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex ?

A: Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

Victorias Secret Taboos

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks, just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!

2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Punctuation Marks

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

Cleanup in Aisle 3

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."