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The best jokes and joke writers!

Expensive Date

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?" She answered, "Because I'm a prostitute."

Marriage Not

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.

Meeting Place

If you have an argument with your partner in a department store, head straight for the makeup counter.

Rejection Lines by Women

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Three Nuns and the Statue

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says, "I need a cigarette."

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."

"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"