There is an old colonial cemetery where the grave markers are flat. A man and woman sneak in there one night after a Halloween party to make love. The next day the woman is complaining of a terrible back ache, so she goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her to put on a gown and examines her back but finds nothing wrong. He asks her how old she is, and she says 28. The doctor says that's interesting because it says on your ass that you died in 1784.
The Computer Dating Site Responds
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating site and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
Bad Date Rescue
Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Ken says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?" It works every time.
So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"
The Blind Date
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible! " the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce." " Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!
Reasons For Being Stood Up
Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
- I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
- My dog died.
- My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
- I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
- I overslept.
- I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
- I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
- I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
- Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
- My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.