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The best jokes and joke writers!

Couples Compliments

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

Reasons For Being Stood Up

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up

  • I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
  • My dog died.
  • My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
  • I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
  • I overslept.
  • I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
  • I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
  • I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
  • Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
  • My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

Love Graph

I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

Chinese Date

I asked a chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Paradox of Woman

  • If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
  • If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
  • If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
  • If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
  • If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
  • If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
  • If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
  • If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
  • If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
  • If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
  • If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
  • If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
  • If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
  • If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.