Girlfriend Meets Irish Mom

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family. The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?" The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?" Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

Decisions to Marry

A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it. The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much." The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor:  Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race:  If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription:  Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule:  A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call:  Never pick up the phone on Saturday night, it's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast:  They say there are lots of good fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis:  Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result:

• Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy
• Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love
• Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex
• Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth:  Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.