Bad Day Signs

• You wake up on pavement.
• You can't find the clothes you wore home from the party.
• Your twin forgets your birthday.
• You wake up to discover your waterbed broke, and then remember you don't have a waterbed.
• You wake up with your mouth guard stuck, and then remember you don't wear a mouth guard.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

The Computer Dating Site Responds

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating site and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor:  Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race:  If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription:  Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule:  A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call:  Never pick up the phone on Saturday night, it's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast:  They say there are lots of good fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis:  Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result:

• Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy
• Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love
• Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex
• Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth:  Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.