The Raffle Ticket

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

The Computer Dating Site Responds

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating site and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

Terrible Lover

The morning after their honeymoon night, a man and wife were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!" The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!"