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The best jokes and joke writers!

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

  • "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
  • "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

  • "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
  • "This'll jar your preserves."
  • "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

  • "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
  • "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
  • "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

  • "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
  • "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
  • Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

  • A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
  • When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
  • If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
  • "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
  • A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

  • "She's uglier than homemade soap."
  • "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
  • "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
  • "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
  • "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
  • Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Redneck Guessing Game

Two rednecks, Jethro and Fester, meet on a country road. Jethro is carrying a big bag labeled, "CHICKENS." "CHICKENES, eh?" says the Fester. "Hmmmm, if I guesses how many chickens you gots in dat there bag, will you give me one?" "Heck," says the Jethro, "Iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of em." Fester scratches his head and guesses, "Ummmm... five?!"

Ford

Q: What does Ford stand for?

A: Found On Rednecks Driveway!

A Rock Solid Defense

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. "Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"