Redneck Jokes

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

You Know You're Castle Trash If...

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet.

Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted.

You can't afford a cod piece... nobody notices.

You have more sheep dogs than sheep.

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have.

The plague improved your complexion... but only for a little while.

The Pope sends you to the Crusades... in Norway.

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum.

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier.

The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom.

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom.

You won "most improved " at the tournament.

They call your daughter made Marian.

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort".

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son.

You might be a redneck if...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin?

A: Relative humidity.