Old Age Jokes

A young avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. So, he figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.  Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall!"

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages. One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old. The 60 year old, started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night." The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, ooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!" "At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit." My only problem is that I don't wake up until noon!"

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." "What are the three tests?" asks the man. "Gotta pay first." So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar. "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!" The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

"Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!"

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

"Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on.

The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."

Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!"

At a Sunday church service, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All but one man held up their hand. "Mr. Webber, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Webber, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and applauded. "Mr. Webber, would you please tell us how one can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer slowly stood and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."