Condom Size Test

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in Aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Medium!" Mortified, the guy hurries over to pay and quickly leaves. Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in Aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie. A few minutes later, Sophie yells, "Cleanup in Aisle 4!"

Tasered At The Airport

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

Steven Wright Jokes

• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
• I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.