Bingo Gag Prizes

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag door prize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor. ''Why, it's a toilet brush.'' ''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. ''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''

Steven Wright 09

• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
• My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

The Blonde Thought...

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, "I look fat," and dies. The brunette says, " I look skinny," and dies. The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.