You Might Be A Redneck 48

You might be a redneck if...

• You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
• Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
• Your masseuse uses lard.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
• You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• Your back porch is bigger than your house.
• There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

Traveling Salesman West Virginia

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.  "Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes. "Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep. "Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes. "Do you know what that is?" The boy nods. "Doesn't that bother you?" "Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

How Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.