Top 10 Things To Scare Your Roommate Off

10. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5. Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2. Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

Funny Thoughts

• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• You'll never be the man your mother was!
• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
• Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
• Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
• God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Push

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ...Push!"