Fifteen Reasons

1. Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.
2. Exercise... the poor person's plastic surgery
3. I was going to wake up early and go jogging, but my toes voted against me 10 to 1.
4. Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.
5. I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.
6. If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.
7. I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street.
8. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
9. I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
10. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
11. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
12. Exercise is the yuppie version of bulimia.
13. A reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in a yoga class farts.
14. The only reason some people exercise is because the refrigerator and TV aren't next to each other.
15. I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Vehicle of Choice

Q: Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!

Net Worth

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.