Jesus & Joseph
St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. "Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. "Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter". Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes". "Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?! The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"
A father shark is talking to his son. The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling. Continue circling for about 5 minutes, then you go in and eat them."
"Why circle them?" asks the son.
The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
Old Enough For Cursing
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS. Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. When their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops." Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
New Vice Chairman
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."