Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!" "It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!" "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
Q: How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their period?
A: Their son's dicks taste funny!
Jewish Hanukkah Gifts
A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter recommended. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally succeeded in making love to her. Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" "What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once." "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.
Novel Grasp on Marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?", he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?".