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The best jokes and joke writers!

Olympic Swimmer

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

Miss Manners

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink." The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Viagra Heist

Q: Did you hear about the crooks who stole a truckload of Viagra?

A: Police issued an APB for hardened criminals.

A: The Judge will likely impose a stiff sentence.

'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.

And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head

And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:

"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done

He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"