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'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.

And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head

And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:

"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done

He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

Rabbi's Advice

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

  1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
  2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
  3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
  4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
  5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
  6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
  7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
  8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
  9. Sit underneath your chair.
  10. Stand on your head.
  11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
  12. Never stop smiling.
  13. Scream every word.
  14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
  15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
  16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
  17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
  18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
  19. Eat his books.
  20. Talk to his leg.
  21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
  22. Talk really slowly.
  23. Try to eat your hand.
  24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
  25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
  26. Pretend you hear music.
  27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
  28. Pretend to drink.
  29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

New Drug

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Condoms for My Camels

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am. "She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.