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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bathroom Drugs

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!" "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me." The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down. "Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?" "What drugs?"

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

  1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
  2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
  3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
  4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
  5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
  6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
  7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
  8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
  9. Sit underneath your chair.
  10. Stand on your head.
  11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
  12. Never stop smiling.
  13. Scream every word.
  14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
  15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
  16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
  17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
  18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
  19. Eat his books.
  20. Talk to his leg.
  21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
  22. Talk really slowly.
  23. Try to eat your hand.
  24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
  25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
  26. Pretend you hear music.
  27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
  28. Pretend to drink.
  29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Pilot On Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stop-over in Colombia
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

Condoms for My Camels

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am. "She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

Addiction Quips

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips?

  • The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
  • The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
  • You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
  • You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
  • Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
  • You scan restroom stalls for hot HTML addresses.
  • You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
  • You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
  • You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  • You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon."
  • You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
  • Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
  • Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.