The Mute Gets His Speech Back

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.  After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"  
"Very well," replied the specialist.  "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'!"

English Prisoner of War

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?" "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."
The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

Lost Dog

Q: Where you you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.