Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey." The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness." Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p-p-p-pints of G-G-G-Guiness please." While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname." Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me Donkey."
Hitch a Ride
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A: Hop in
A Bald Headed, Peg-legged Halloween!
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!"
The Disabled Swimming Contest
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second has no legs. The third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closes fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool. The head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?