Caught in a Vise

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Three Convicts and their Pastimes

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these!" The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Perspective

The next time you hate your life remember, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books a week and yet complains about how much he hates prison.