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The best jokes and joke writers!

German Oven

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

A: It seats 500.

Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families

"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

"As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"

"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

Jewish Pedophile

Q: How does a Jewish pedophile hunt for children?

A: "Hen kid, want to buy some candy?"

Ru-Ru

Two guys get stuck on a desert island. They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the chief. He says to the first guy, "As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru". Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru. He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend. The 2nd guy when asked says "I'd rather die than suffer that ". The chief says "Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru"!!!

Dad Joke - Oldest

Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."

Me: "But... I'm the oldest."

Dad: "Now."