Dark Humor Jokes

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong! You must go to HELL," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

One year, a husband gets his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. The next Christmas comes around and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband replies, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Verne: "That's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her ass."

Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan." 

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.  First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. 

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him.  You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.  When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"