Dark Humor Jokes
The Big Jump
Q: OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
Hero in a Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. But, I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself." "He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."
Jittery Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We're currently flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port engines have fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and our flight attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
Two guys are sitting in a fourth story bar drinking. The first guy stands up and says, "I'm done," and walks to the window, jumps out, then blows right back in. He says, "I knew it, the draft was too strong," and he sits back down.
A few minutes later, the other guy says, "I'm done," and jumps out the window and falls to his death. The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk!"