Jeffrey Dahmer

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?
A: He wiped.

Rise and Shine

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Bear Logic

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"