I Flattened Your Cat

A man was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, a cat ran out in front of him and before the man could react; *splat*, he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off..." "Not so fast", she interrupts. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you horrible man", she replied, "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Ahhhhhhhhh!!"

Jeffrey Dahmer

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?
A: He wiped.

Rise and Shine

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.