Pedophile at Heavens Gates

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?" "Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

Singing Telegram

It was the morning of Ralph's birthday and there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!" Filled with excitement, Ralph opened the door and asked the messenger boy standing before him, "Is it a singing telegram?" "No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore," the messenger replied. "Oh, but I've always wanted to receive a singing telegram," a disappointed Ralph moaned. "Couldn't you just bend the rules a little and make an old man happy?" "I'm sorry, sir," replied the messenger. "Please," Ralph pleaded, "after all, today is my birthday." "Alright, sir, if you insist," the messenger said. "Dah-dah dah...dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!".

RIP Mom

My girlfriend throws up whenever she thinks about her dead mother.
I reckon it's mourning sickness