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The best jokes and joke writers!

Obama Time

Michelle Obama dies and goes to heaven, and she's in the waiting room to see Jesus.

There are clocks everywhere, not a single square inch of wall or ceiling doesn't have a timepiece. Some of them don't seem to be moving. St. Peter comes out and calls her name.

"I'm here" she says. "What's with all the clocks?".

St. Peter says "Everyone who has ever lived has a clock here. Every time they tell a lie, their clock moves forward by one minute. This is George Washington's clock. As you can see, it's one past midnight, so he only told one lie."

"Oh" Michelle said. "Where's my husband's clock?"

"That's in Jesus' office" St. Peter replies. "He uses that as a fan".

Glass Coffin

Q: Will glass coffins be a success?

A: Remains to be seen.

Blonde Headphones

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman. She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly. Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."

Wearing Suits

Q: Where do black people wear suits?

A: Courts & coffins

Artist Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."