David Copperfield and His Wife
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick? "I will," replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!" The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic!"
Britney Spears & Computers
Q: How is a computer like Britney Spears?
A They're both cheap, white, and plastic.
I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.
Traveling on the Train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?