The Irishman's Last Stand
There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.
The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off." So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. "There. Now you try," he said to the Irishman.
So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground. The New Zealander said to the American: "Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!"
The Heffner family recently held a seance at the Playboy mansion and successfully contacted their father. He had one urgent message and requested that his family get the word out immediately.
The message is: "Tell the Muslims there aren't any virgins left."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto Riding
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of indians! They start to spur their horse forward when they realize that there are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize, they are surrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now, I think we are doomed!" " We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this we, Paleface!?!"
Out of the Blue
Q: Why did the Pepsi truck driver get fired?
A: He tested positive for Coke.
Q: What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
A: Where on Earth have you been?