Bar Jokes

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding. When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95 mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist, probably better than Houdini. "The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs and the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."