Doctor: How many drinks do you have in a week?
Patient: I don't know, I'm an alcoholic not a fucking accountant
Engineer in a Bar
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender," said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded, "Oh... that's where we put the jack."
Empty Beer Cans
Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator?
A: For their friends that don't drink.
Why Beer is Better than Women
- YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
- BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
- YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
- WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
- BEER IS NEVER LATE.
- A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
- HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
- BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
- WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
- BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
- A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
- IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
- A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
- YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
- YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
- YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
- BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
- BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
- YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
- A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
- A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
- IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
A Drunk Ordering a Beer
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"