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American University Grading Procedures

DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.

When the Boy Started Kindergarten

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy." The teacher smiled and said, "OK, Dick, sit down."

Students Science Bloopers

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:

  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
  • To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
  • To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
  • A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
  • Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
  • An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
  • We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
  • English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
  • By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
  • If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  • A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
  • The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
  • When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
  • Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
  • For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
  • For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  • Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
  • When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
  • You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
  • Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
  • The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
  • When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
  • Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
  • When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
  • Clouds are high flying fogs.
  • When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
  • Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  • While the Earth seems to knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
  • Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
  • South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
  • Most books now say our sun is a star, but it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
  • One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
  • Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet? Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
  • Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
  • A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
  • Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
  • There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
  • There is a termendious weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
  • Lime is a green tasting rock.
  • Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  • A fossil is a dead bone.
  • Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
  • When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
  • When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker, of just about anything I guess.
  • Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
  • We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
  • In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
  • When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
  • Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
  • Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
  • In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.≈

Putting Shoes On

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Oxygen is Essential

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."