Profession Jokes - Teacher Jokes
Students Science Bloopers
These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
- Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
- The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
- To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
- The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
- A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
- The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
- To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
- Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
- Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
- A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
- An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
- We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
- English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
- By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
- If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
- The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
- When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
- It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
- Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
- For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
- For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
- For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
- For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
- For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
- When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
- When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
- Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
- When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- Clouds are high flying fogs.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
- While the Earth seems to knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
- South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
- Most books now say our sun is a star, but it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
- Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet? Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
- Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
- There is a termendious weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
- Lime is a green tasting rock.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
- A fossil is a dead bone.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
- When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
- When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker, of just about anything I guess.
- Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
- We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
- In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
- When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
- Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.≈
How Old Are You?
A student asked his teacher how old she was. She promptly said, "39 and holding." Then the student asked, "Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
Finding an Elephant
Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?"
Pupil: "You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"
Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Enron Scandal Effects
Q: Why has the Enron scandal been so hard on ESL teachers?
A: Because they now have to explain to their students why "to LAY" is worse than "to F*CK"!