Profession Jokes - Nurse Jokes
A nurse dies and is greeted in the after life by Saint Peter. He tells her there’s a policy of allowing people to choose whether they want to spend eternity in Heaven or in Hell and she can spend a day in each before making a decision. The nurse goes to Hell for the day where she meets many old friends and colleagues in a sunny garden. They take her for an excellent dinner, and she even meets the Devil , who turns out to be pretty decent. Next day she spends a day in Heaven where she sits around on clouds, sings, and plays the harp . When Saint Peter asks what her choice is, she says, “Well, Heaven was nice, but I had a better time in Hell. So I’d like to go there please.” Her wish is granted and down to Hell she goes. When she get there she finds a desolate wasteland covered in filth and her friends, dressed in rags, collecting garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil walks over to greet her, and the nurse says, “How could this place change so much in a day. Yesterday it was like paradise.” The Devil smiles and says, “Yes, but yesterday we were recruiting – today you’re staff.”
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them." At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"
I'm a Professional
I won't laugh, said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 15 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay, then," Said Randy, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a laugh, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as best she could. "I'm very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"Its swollen," Randy replied.
She ran out of the room.
Typical Fighter Pilot
Last Thursday night he gradually woke up - stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU.
Tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires monitoring every function and all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear . . .and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over him.
It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep and steady into his eyes, and he heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down . . . "He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
A Dyslexic Nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"