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The best jokes and joke writers!

Polish Plane Landing

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, we 're almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"

Stuck Microphone

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - ***splat *** and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"

Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters, named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear, and one moose. 

The hunters objected, saying, "We shot two last year, the pilot let us take them both, and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." The pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded. 

However even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Surrounded by the moose, clothing, and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad somehow survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Where Am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.  People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.  After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position? The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"

Irish Pilots

(Setting the scene: Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EL109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the instrument landing systems. In a fit of panic, Paddy the pilot turns to his co-pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...We'll have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy, "No Problem...sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!' "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen minutes later Paddy asks, "Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "We're over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...bank left here and you should be on course for runway one. Paddy, responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on runway one. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "That was brilliant, but, tell me, how did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats." "Well!" said Mick, "when I pulled my hand back in, my watch was gone!"