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The best jokes and joke writers!

Polish Plane Landing

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, we 're almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"

Pilot in Trouble

A young blonde pilot is taking her first flying lesson in a two-seater plane. Her instructor suffers a sudden heart attack and dies.

"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I've had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position."

The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat."

(After a long pause)

"Okay," says the the voice in the radio, "Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."

Airplane In Trouble

First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.

Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.

First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!

A No-Frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

  • They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
  • All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
  • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
  • If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
  • You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
  • Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
  • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
  • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
  • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
  • You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
  • No movie. Don't need one.
  • Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
  • You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
  • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. 

Piloting your Plane

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.  The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."  Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.  The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.  Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."