Profession Jokes - Pilot Jokes
Airplane In Trouble
First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.
Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.
First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!
A No-Frills Airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
- They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
- All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
- Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
- If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
- You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
- Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
- You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
- No movie. Don't need one.
- Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Piloting your Plane
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."
A 777 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''
U.S. Air Force Pilot
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."