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The best jokes and joke writers!

Flight Attendant

A 777 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

U.S. Air Force Pilot

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft." 

New Slogans For Value Jet

  • When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
  • We're Amtrak with wings.
  • Join our frequent near-miss program.
  • On flights, every section is a smoking section.
  • Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
  • Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
  • Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
  • Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
  • Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
  • The kids will love our inflatable slides.
  • You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
  • Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
  • Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
  • We may be landing on your street.
  • Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
  • Bring a bathing suit.
  • Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
  • That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
  • Find out there really is a God.
  • A real man lands where he wants to.

Blonde's Flight Across Atlantic

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes." Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."

A Farmer's Fiddle

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" "I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."