Profession Jokes - Other Doctor Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down, up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?

Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
  Doctor: When did this happen?
  Patient: When did what happen?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
  Doctor: Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
• Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar I can't believe that!
• Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in, what about a matchbox?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
  Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
  Patient: Which one?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
  Doctor: Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth.. Get out of the way, your in my light!