Bad and Worse News
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news."
Man: "Well, give me the really bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live."
Man: "And the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."
Man: "That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!"
Funny Thoughts from the Horoscope Writer
I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting!"
Good And Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination the doctor tells him; "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" To which the patient replied "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
The patient was shocked; "Oh no! That's awful! In two years my life will be over?! What kind of good news could you possibly tell me, after this?"
The doctor broke the news, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Be A Smoker!
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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test - and best of all - you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible - and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.