The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

• "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
• Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
• Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
• Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
• Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
• Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
• Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
• Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
• Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

Leave a Specimen

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said. The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?" "No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"

Long Time Ago

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. "Oh..." he mused, "It was 1945." "Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked. "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."