Appeal

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven. But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Who's In Charge?

Try to imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
• 3 have done time for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Kewl Job Application!

NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

• SALARY: Less than I'm worth
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.