Patient at a Psychiatrist

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like. "A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question. "A naked woman on a bed." "You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims. "I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

A hearty breakfast

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

Lawyer Hunting Regulations

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS: Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
11. BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
    1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder...........(2)
    2. Two-faced Tort Feasor...............(1)
    3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator.....(4)
    4. Small-breasted Ball Buster..........(3) (Female only)
    5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut.................(2)
    6. Honest Attorney.....................(0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
    7. Cut-throat..........................(2)
    8. Back-stabbing Whiner................(2)
    9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser............(2)
    10. Silver-tongued Drug Dealer Defender.......($100 BOUNTY)