The Woman is on Fire

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. It also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Kind of Awkward

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A Joke Like Sex

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.