Students Science Bloopers

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:

• Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
• Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
• The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
• To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
• The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
• A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
• The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
• To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
• Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
• A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
• An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
• We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
• English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
• By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
• If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
• When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
• It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
• Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
• For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
• Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
• When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
• Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
• You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
• The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
• When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
• Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
• When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• While the Earth seems to knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Most books now say our sun is a star, but it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
• Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet? Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
• There is a termendious weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
• Lime is a green tasting rock.
• Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• A fossil is a dead bone.
• Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
• When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker, of just about anything I guess.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
• In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
• When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
• Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.≈

Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
• Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
• Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
• Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
• Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
• Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
• Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
• Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Dirty Joke

Q: Want to hear a dirty joke?
A: The white horse fell in the mud.