Idiot Insurance Forms
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
Military Motor Pool
The phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational. Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in." There is a stony silence. "Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice. "No," says Paddy. "It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to." "Well, do you know who you are talking to?" "No," roars the colonel. "Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.
Ken's New Corvette
Ken is out on the interstate having an evening drive in his new Corvette. He decides to open her up and the needle jumps to 120 mph. Suddenly he sees a flashing red and blue light behind him. He thinks about outrunning the cops, accelerates for a few seconds, then comes to his senses and pulls over. The officer comes over to check his license. “I’ve had a tough shift,” says the officer. “And this is my last traffic stop. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!” “Uh , last week my wife ran off with a cop,” says Ken. “And when I saw your car I was afraid he was trying to give her back!” “Have a nice night,” says the officer.
The 4 Engineers
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor." Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem." The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine." Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"
A Cop pulled a car over for speeding. When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95 mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."