Ken's New Corvette
Ken is out on the interstate having an evening drive in his new Corvette. He decides to open her up and the needle jumps to 120 mph. Suddenly he sees a flashing red and blue light behind him. He thinks about outrunning the cops, accelerates for a few seconds, then comes to his senses and pulls over. The officer comes over to check his license. “I’ve had a tough shift,” says the officer. “And this is my last traffic stop. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!” “Uh , last week my wife ran off with a cop,” says Ken. “And when I saw your car I was afraid he was trying to give her back!” “Have a nice night,” says the officer.
Idiot Insurance Forms
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
A Cop pulled a car over for speeding. When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95 mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."
100's of Bumper Stickers
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"E. coli Happens"
"Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Towers will be violated"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"
"I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let friends drive naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Assassins do it from behind!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"I is a college student."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."
"We're staying together for the sake of the cats."
"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."
"My karma ran over your dogma."
"I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."
"Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."
"Welcome to Texas, now go home."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly men."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly women."
"My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her."
"Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."
"Will Rogers never met a lawyer."
"Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."
"Don't steal. The government hates competition."
"Is there life before coffee?"
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."
"The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."
"I Cayman went."
"My other wife is beautiful."
"I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"
"Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."
"Geez if you belive in honkus."
"Save California; when you leave take someone with you."
"I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."
"There's one in every crowd and they always find me."
"If money could talk, it would say goodbye."
"When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."
"Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
"The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."
"Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."
"Who cares who's on board?"
"Die Yuppie Scum."
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."
"Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."
"Women make great leaders. You're following one now."
"Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."
"Honk if you love cheeses."
"Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."
"I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."
"So many pedestrians, so little time."
Do You Have A Bias?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."