Military Motor Pool
The phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational. Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in." There is a stony silence. "Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice. "No," says Paddy. "It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to." "Well, do you know who you are talking to?" "No," roars the colonel. "Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.
Ken's New Corvette
Ken is out on the interstate having an evening drive in his new Corvette. He decides to open her up and the needle jumps to 120 mph. Suddenly he sees a flashing red and blue light behind him. He thinks about outrunning the cops, accelerates for a few seconds, then comes to his senses and pulls over. The officer comes over to check his license. “I’ve had a tough shift,” says the officer. “And this is my last traffic stop. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!” “Uh , last week my wife ran off with a cop,” says Ken. “And when I saw your car I was afraid he was trying to give her back!” “Have a nice night,” says the officer.
100's of Bumper Stickers
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"E. coli Happens"
"Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Towers will be violated"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"
"I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let friends drive naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Assassins do it from behind!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"I is a college student."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."
"We're staying together for the sake of the cats."
"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."
"My karma ran over your dogma."
"I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."
"Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."
"Welcome to Texas, now go home."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly men."
"Life's too short to dance with ugly women."
"My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her."
"Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."
"Will Rogers never met a lawyer."
"Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."
"Don't steal. The government hates competition."
"Is there life before coffee?"
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."
"The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."
"I Cayman went."
"My other wife is beautiful."
"I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"
"Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."
"Geez if you belive in honkus."
"Save California; when you leave take someone with you."
"I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."
"There's one in every crowd and they always find me."
"If money could talk, it would say goodbye."
"When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."
"Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
"The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."
"Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."
"Who cares who's on board?"
"Die Yuppie Scum."
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."
"Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."
"Women make great leaders. You're following one now."
"Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."
"Honk if you love cheeses."
"Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."
"I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."
"So many pedestrians, so little time."
The 4 Engineers
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor." Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem." The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine." Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"
A Cop pulled a car over for speeding. When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95 mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."