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The best jokes and joke writers!

Penguins on Tour

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says, "Fill it up, please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey Buddy," says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something.." The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?"

The driver says, "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach."

Spooky Drive

Happy and on the way home from the Halloween party, I said to myself, “Don, everything is coming your way!”

Just then I realized that I was in the wrong lane.

Halls of Justice

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they?" asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

Idiot Insurance Forms

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
  • I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Car Wrap

Q: What happened when the man crashed his car into the tree?

A: He saw how his Mercedes bends.