Top 10 Marriage Secrets

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"  So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Top 10 Signs You Are 'Burned Out'

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
7. You sleep more at work than at home.
8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Top 10 Ways to Confuse Santa Clause on Christmas

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa's in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa's in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well? They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!"