A Golfer And A Sky-Diver
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
Remarks Never Heard At Daytona
- None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.
- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.
- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.
- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.
- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.
Q: Three snowboarders are riding in the backseat of a car. Who is driving?
A: The sheriff!
Q: What do you say to a snowboard instructor in summer?
A: A Big Mac and fries please!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."