Remarks Never Heard At Daytona

• None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
• Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
• Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
• Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.
• My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
• Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.
• Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
• What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.
• These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
• Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.
• Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
• And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

Pole Walter?

As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?" His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Andy Rooney Quotes

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I am in shape. Round's a shape!
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.